The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
