I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
