That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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