its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
