I met the friendliest cop last night
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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