I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
