i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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