I cannot find my penis.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
