I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
