the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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