i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
