so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize