I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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