I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
