I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
