he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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