Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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