Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
