Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
