Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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