I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
