i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
