News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Randomize
