I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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