Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
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