I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
