ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
