Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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