I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
