I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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