haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
