Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
