mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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