Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
