last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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