Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
whose ass print is on the piano?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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