bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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