the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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