You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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