I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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