there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
