He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
