More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
