update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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