I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
