Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
