you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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