Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
