i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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