There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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