Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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