He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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