I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
