Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
