I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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