Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
