i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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