he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
you made out with another girl for some wings
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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