well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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