He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
