I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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