Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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