Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
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