Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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