Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
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