Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
